Defiant Spitfire
By Kay McMahon
Not Read: April 2010
Rating: AUGH
Coming out of Beyond Heaving Bosoms, I naturally wanted to indulge in some of the best/worst of the genre. I swapped for this book a short while ago and figured it was as good a place to start as any. But the Smart Bitches have just given me a thorough lesson in Old Skool vs New Skool romances. This… is an Old Skool. I am not happy.
Old Skool romances tend to stick to scenarios were the man forces himself on the woman, she is all a-flutter about whether or not she liked it, or him, and over time she realizes it is love of some kind. Sound creepyscary? It is. Every so often, this scenario can work. This is not one of those times.
Back cover tells you all you need to know about the plot. Farm girl’s brother is in trouble. She approaches handsome rogue for help. His fee is… her virtue! Dun dun dun. As it happens, he would’ve helped anyway because his brother is in the same predicament. This makes her really freaking angry. So angry that, in addition to being insulted by his making a pass at her virtue, she also thinks he’s totally reprehensible.
When he comes to collect his payment, she puts up a damn good fight. She tries to pitchfork his balls. Several times. Now, a normal man would decide that getting his balls pierced by farm equipment is not a risk he wants to run, and take her up on her offer to renegotiate. But he’s an alpha asshole (or alphole, as the Smart Bitches dub them) so he just takes the pitchfork away and drops her on the hay.
I tell you, I can put up with a good deal of crap. Like Missy McMiss-iss-er-son’s stupid dialogue (“You rogue! … You despicable, uneducated, lying barbarian!”), and inconsistent intelligence. But this so-called love scene is something else. The worst part is that it’s hard to find one, egregious, totally unforgivable reason to hate it. It’s really quite mild, and it was probably severely toned down so it wouldn’t raise alarm bells as the tide began to shift away from rape-y romance.
RAPE SCENE-IN-A-MINUTE!
BRITTANNY is a blonde so gorgeous rogues put down their ale and whores to grope her on sight. Despite this, she has only been kissed once, at the age of twelve. She is twenty years old, and an old maid for 1767 Boston.
DANE is a rogue of indeterminate offense, but we know he likes ale and busting people out of prison, for a fee.
Scene: Brittany’s farm, night. Her parents dead, her brother rescued and in hiding, she is alone. She notices a man sneaking into the barn; he has left a light on.
Brittany: Vagrant! I shall use Father’s musket and shoot him if he refuses to leave! Hm, he’ll expect me to go through the open front door. I’ll use the back! Unlocking it will make a lot of noise, though…
Dane: (unlock it)
Brittany: GASP!
Dane: Took you long enough. C’mere.
Brittany: I don’t owe you anything! You used me for information to save your own brother!
Dane: Yeah, but I didn’t have to help yours, too.
Brittany: You suck. Get off my property.
Dane: Nuh-uh, I’m gettin’ me some nookie.
Brittany: Uh–uh–GET OUT! (throws pitchfork, nearly impales him)
Dane: That wasn’t nice. C’mon, I’m really good at this.
Brittany: You think I want you to touch me?
Dane: Like I said, I’m really good.
Brittany: Oh yeah? So kiss me, and if I hate it, you leave. (he approaches, all manly and sexy) Oh, um, maybe this wasn’t a good idea…
(Dane kisses her–she beats him off and throws the pitchfork at him again–this would seem to qualify as not liking it)
(A kerfuffle ensues, ending with Brittany pinned to the hay)
Dane: Don’t worry, it’s just a business transaction, just get it over with.
Brittany: “I don’t WANT to! … Damn you! (she wails, her tiny fists raining blows against his chest) I hate you, Dane Remington. Damn it, I hate you! No-o-o! … I’ll see you hanged for this!”*
(Dane rips open her clothes, sucks her tits, shoves in, breaks hymen, somehow brings her near orgasm with only vaginal stimulation, and comes in her; Brittany is paralyzed, ‘awakened’ and… lone tear rolls down cheek)
Brittany: “I’ll see you rot in hell for this.” (gathers clothes, LOATHES him!)
Dane: Haha, don’t piss off the next guy so much, he may rape you for realsies.
Brittany: DAMN YOU!
(he leaves)
Brittany: …I am so horny and alone…
Do you feel emotionally satisfied, reader? BECAUSE I SURE DON’T!
That little horror show bring us to page 73, and I am outta here.
Bonus disappointments:
- Book cover has ships, so it should be a pirate story. Is not a pirate story. Or if it is, it’s a crap one.
- Set in Boston in 1767, should have been a nifty historical in an atypical setting.
- Cover art was not nearly terrible enough to indicate the detritus inside.
