Until Forever

By Johanna Lindsey
Read: Feb 2010
Rating: Convoluted

There’s a LOT of fun to poke at this thing. Before I have fun, let me say that it wasn’t awful. It wasn’t really good, either.

BOOK-IN-A-MINUTE, Git-style
(Yes, that means spoiler)

Roseleen: I am a history professor with a penchant for old weapons. Look at this fabulous old sword my brother obtained for me, despite the seller refusing to give it to a woman! *touches sword*

Thorn: (Appears, looking very Viking-ish) Woman, you have summoned me from Valhalla. I shall not tell you all the circumstances of my curse, as I would prefer to stay here and ravish you. And I shall let you continue to think I’m just a hunk of man-meat who likes to fight and fuck.

Roseleen: Eep, you ARE a gorgeous hunk of man-meat who likes to fight and fuck! Infodump infodump Viking and Willie the Conq infodump–

Thorn: (ravishes her) Didst thou know my sword can take us back in time?

Roseleen: We can?! OMG I can write a KICKASS book that way!

(They go back in time; history changes)

Roseleen: Oh shit! We have to fix this!

(They fix it. Something else fucks up. Repeat.)

Thorn: Verily we couldst just stay here and screw in 1066.

Roseleen: That would be awesome, but then we’d just screw the timeline up even MORE… Shit. Thorn, I break your curse. Goodbye. It’s better this way.

(Thorn disappears, Roseleen sobs)

Neighbor who looks like Thorn: (knocks on her door) Cup of sugar? By the way, I write fantasy novels about time-traveling Vikings who give up immortality to be with their one true loves, even if they have to be reborn to do it.

Roseleen: (jumps him)

That was a bit wordy for Book-In-A-Minute, but you get the gist.

Roseleen is queen of the infodump. And so is the narrative around her. When she rambles on about history, Thorn just sort of puts up with her–I think he thinks it’s cute, to a certain extent. The narrative is not as cute. It’s not the history and factoids there that bother me, it’s the telling vs. showing. All of Roseleen’s thoughts are explained for us, in detail. One of the most anticipated moments is glossed over completely. The historical moment they keep returning to is William the Conqueror’s invasion of England, when he defeated King Harold. Roseleen has been desperate to meet William, and disappointed every time this meeting has been delayed.

(Thanks, Amazon.com)

Now, if you were going to have your heroine meet someone who she’s been slavering to since she learned it was possible, would you take all the action out of it and just have this passive description?

I have to come to the conclusion that this book is just plain shoddily written.

Need another reason? Most romances are told from the POV of one character, or switch fairly evenly between the hero and heroine. This book is all heroine except for pages 103-108. Just enough to tantalize the reader into thinking you’re going to get inside The Viking’s head… and then never again.

It’s a very, very one-sided story that way. And, honestly, I spent the majority of the book wondering how on earth they would ever make it work, as two people trying to live together. Roseleen is–well, I wouldn’t call her a ‘modern’ woman, but she believes in equal rights and she doesn’t like being ordered around. Thorn, on the other hand is… well, he’s 2-D. He doesn’t grunt, but he doesn’t exactly open up and talk much either. There’s good reason for this, as his past mistresses weren’t always nice ladies. But, really, unless he’s speaking or nodding or making love to Rose, he’s not really… there. S’like, Insert Viking Fantasy Here. And what we do have of him–he’s a Viking! Roseleen is right to realize it would take him a lifetime to assimilate to the modern world.

That’s why the ending is really quite nice. I knew I liked Odin… It’s also an incredibly cheesy and convenient scenario.

The whole book is mishmash of cheesy scenarios. It’s just NOT as good as Love Only Once, which was really innovative–and written years before. Go figure.

Still, if you just want some mindless romance, have at. I’m tossing this one back out into the world.

Oh, and before I forget–Cover Snark:

It’s FABIO THE VIKING!!

No, really, the Fabio Fan Club says so. …holy shit, it’s a Fabio Fan Club! That likes these covers! Do the Smart Bitches know about this?! …their Facebook group has 26 members. Wow.

But I’m not here to mock (only) the Fabio.

Why is it autumn when the book takes place in summer?

Where did they get a pristine polar bear fur blanket? And WHY? How is a Viking keeping it so clean?

Are they standing on a carpet printed to look like fallen leaves? …is this a Sears photo shoot?!

And, finally, WHAT THE HELL is going on with the big slabs of white on either side?! I can’t tell where it’s coming from or where it’s going–is the sword bringing it? Is it about to wipe across the image? Did Sears hang a triangle of leaf-print behind them and then shine a really bright light at their feet from behind? His leg is definitely back-lit, but what about the fur on her right?

At least the characters are depicted pretty accurately, color-wise.

This is not Lazy Cover Art, this is just plain WTF Did You Think We Wouldn’t Notice Art.